ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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