remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You were trust falling into bushes
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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