She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
