my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
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