i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
