Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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