I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
