I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
