I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
