You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
