Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
