I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
