He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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