Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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