They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
