If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
