So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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