I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
