can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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