I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
