I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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