if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
