My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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