That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
