And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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