I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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