So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
