A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
