my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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