Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
