Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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