she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
This show inspires me to have sex in space
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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