My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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