What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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