Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
