Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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