My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
