please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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