why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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