Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
