community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
