i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
