dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
