it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
