I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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