careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My brain says no but my pants say off.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
