Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
