went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my being single is dangerous.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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