His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
