where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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